What is going on here?
by Whitewash893
Summary: This is my very first crack fic! it's funny and insane, Rated only for drug references... Dunno if its worth reading, that you can make your own mind up once you've read... flames welcome, as they are on most crack fics...


**What is going on here?**

**Disclaimer: anything familiar is not owed by me :( (CRY, SNIFFLE, TEAR)**

**Hermione: Randomly bursts into muggle songs.**

**Ron: The voice of reason**

**Harry: Obsessed with himself**

**Fred: Cross dressing**

**George: A vampire**

**Molly: Overly motherly**

**Arthur: overly into muggle stuff**

**Bill: thinks he's the sorting hat**

**Charlie: Hagrid-ish**

**Ginny: Harry's fan clubs cheer leader **

**Percy: Pompous git **

**Vernon: Evil **

**Voldemort: possibly on drugs**

Harry Potter is a normal boy, except for the fact he's a famous wizard. But then again, who isn't.

As Harry walked "You, Narrator lady, will call me Harry Potter, or I'll kill you, 'cas I'm Harry Potter. Yes I'm Harry Potter everyone loves..." sang Harry Potter to the 'Narrator lady'

"Ok just shut up, you suck at singing"

"No I don't 'cas I'm Harr... Sang Harry Potter

"Ok then, Harry Potter is a great singer. Now let's get back to the story, ok Harry Potter?"

"I say ok 'cas I'm Harry Potter" sang Harry Potter

As Harry Potter walked around his room at number 4 privet drive sighing he said "I am so bored! But what can I do... I know!" he exclaimed, running to the mirror.

"I am so hot 'cas I'm Harry Potter, Harry, Harry Potter, I am so awesome 'cas I'm Harry Potter. Everybody loves Harry Potter, 'Cas he's Harry Pott..." he sang loudly being cut off by the door opening.

"Shut up! Shut up, you ungrateful..." Harry Potter's uncle Vernon yelled.

"Nobody talks to Harry Potter like that" said Harry Potter.

"Oh yes I will" said Vernon running over and trying to strangle Harry Potter.

Just then Voldemort flew past the window as he does every single day, yet somehow it never occurred to him to kill Harry Potter on one of these trips "Whoa Pretty colours... Hey look, Harry Potter, my arch nemesis, is being strangled by his uncle" said Voldemort. Five seconds pass, and Voldemort climbs into the window "I now have a well formulated plan! AVADA KADAVARA! Aha! Harry Potter, my arch nemesis, now I have killed your uncle you will be so filled with grief that you won't be able to stop me from killing you! MWA HA HA HA!!! So see you later ok? 'cas I mean I can't just kill you now or anything I'll just go formulate a ridiculous plot that'll never work! Ok? What time works for you? It'd just be plain rude to end your life when you have a shopping trip later that day or something..." Voldemort rambled.

"Can't wait, ok, and any time works for me 'cas I'm Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry, Harry, Harry Potter and people will die so I can live, 'cas I'm so awesome 'cas I'm Harry Potter" sang Harry Potter

"Okie dokie bye-bye, I've got to plan how to give you a big boo-boo" said Voldemort, skipping out the window onto his broom which had turned into a carpet in his absence.

Mean while...

In a river filled with whipped cream, with a neon green cherry and a mango on top you can hear the voice of logic saying "Hello? Hello? Where am I?"

Back at number 4 privet drive...

A Limo pulls up outside the window even though the window is on the second floor "Hello Harry" said a guy's voice that sounded like a girl's voice that was followed by giggling said.

"Ok two things 1) call me Harry Potter B) that sentence made no sense narrator lady" said Harry Potter.

Just then a voice said "thank goodness I'm back!" as a talking pineapple named logic floated from the ceiling "and there I go" said logic going back to the whipped cream filled river.

In the whipped cream river...

A pineapple falls from the sky

"You almost made it out" said the neon green cherry "you know I just realised we've all been here this whole story and haven't learned each other's names... So who are you two?"

"I am logic" said the pineapple.

"I am the writer's sanity" said the mango.

"And who are you?" logic, formally known as the pineapple, asked the neon green cherry.

"Do you even need to ask that?" asked the neon cherry.

"OH" said logic "You're IC!"

"And, what may I ask, is IC?" asked the writers sanity.

"IN CHARACTER!!!" yelled IC the neon green cherry.

"Well sorrrryyy" said the writer's sanity "anyway; we are overlooking the most important question here! Why are we here?"

"Well isn't it obvious" said logic as if she were speaking to an idiot "We. Aren't. In. The. Sto-ry. In fact plot should be here sometime during this story"

"And how would you know plot is coming?" asked IC.

"Where one of us goes we both go, I mean he _is_ my boyfriend" said logic.

"Why would that have any impact on wear he goes?" asked the writers sanity.

"We've stuck together like glue since he got pregnant with my baby" said logic.

"I'm not in here at all, am I" asked the writers sanity.

"Ok Hare-Bear, whoops I mean Harry Potter" said the identical twin no-one can tell apart no matter what that was dressed in drag.

"Hey George, why the hell is Fred dressed in drag?"Said Harry Potter who can tell the two apart because he has special magic, that doesn't exist unless you're Harry Potter, Harry, Harry Po- (oh dear Merlin, now I'm singing it) -tter, in his glasses, while getting in the limo.

"Bleh" said George, revealing a pair of fangs.

"Oh that makes sense! That really would be a life changing event! But since when are you a vampire?" asked Harry Potter.

"Bleh" said George.

"How does reading twilight turn you into a vampire?" asked Harry Potter.

"Bleh" said, you guessed it, George.

"Oh that explains that! But how did the gophers get in the heating vent?" asked Harry Potter.

"Bleh" said George.

"Oh man!" said Harry Potter laughing his head off "I'm gunna write a book about that and it'll make millions"

Then they arrived at the burrow where Molly and Ginny promptly came over.

When Ginny got there she cheered "Now that Harry Potters here, I can get my cheering gear" and her clothes turned into a cheerleading outfit.

"Dear you're so skinny!" said Molly Weasly, flicking her wand and making mashed potatoes appear, I mean why listen to all these 'boundaries on magic' Hermione always goes on about?, then force feeding Harry Potter

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" yells a 'Terry's chocolate orange, a tasty treat for all occasions' that fell from the sky.

"Hey plot" says logic.

"Mary had a little lamb, little lamb little lamb" sang Hermione.

"Hermione, what's a labm?" asked Arthur, taking out a quill and parchment.

"Hey I am a pompous git... I shall go get a job in the ministry and not notice when my boss is under the imperius curse... see you later, I'm off to kiss butt" said Percy.

Harry Potter was singing "Harry Potter, Harry" when Bill ran out of the house.

Then put his hand on Harry Potter's head and yelled "Gryffindor"

"**** Bill **** you*** *** *** *** *** *** *** with the face of a *** *** *** *** I should *** *** *** *** with a *** 50 dollar note *** *** **** *** *** hippopotamus *** *** *** I'd **** *** *** *** *** and then I'll *** *** *** *** *** *** while rabid monkeys **** ** *** *** at your *** *** *** *** *** if you don't **** *** *** *** tell me what you're doing" yelled Harry Potter.

"I'm the sorting hat" yelled Bill, farting magical pixie dust then flying to the moon.

"Harry I got you a dragon for your birthday" said Charlie.

"AHHH" yelled Harry Potter "YOU CALLED ME HARRY NOT HARRY POTTER AVADA KADAVARA!!! DIE DIE DIE!!!"

Then Voldemort arrived and said "MWA HA HA, I have come to kill you Harry Potter, my arch nemesis!"

"EXPECTO PATRONUM" yelled Harry Potter while thinking of the time he gave birth to a lion, and then a beanbag chair galloped out of his wand 'cas his dad was really a beanbag animagas and J.K was lying to you.

"AHHHHHHH" yelled Voldemort "I'm like a dementor 'cas I have no sole" then he disappeared in a puff of smoke

"What is going on here?" asked Ron

"I dunno" said everyone else.

"Ok then" said Ron "DANCE PARTY!!!"

Then Hermione started sing "The weekend almost out the moon is low in the sky...."

And Harry Potter sang "Harry Potter, Everybody loves me 'cas I'm Harry Potter"

While this was happening plot gave birth, logic called the baby common sense 'cas I obviously lack it for not deleting this... It was a clam! Yes a pineapple + a orange made of chocolate= a clam

And this is why you should never do drugs!

**Disclaimer 2.0: No drugs were used in the making of this fanfiction... Well I did force feed Voldy-poo a huge amount of crystal meth but that's on the down low, he used the 'Accio' curse-y charm-y thingy, MWA HA HA****.**


End file.
